Category Archives: Blog

Happy 4th of July 2018; or, Don’t Tell Us You’re Sorry We’re Open Today

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Phone Call #1 (Completed)

Usually, like 99.99% of the time, if we answer the phone, it means we’re open. Don’t ask the dumb question.

I’ve been busier recently than I’d hoped I would be, so there will be no holiday comic for the Fourth this year. Sorry about that, comrades. In lieu of that, here’s a throwback to the first Phone Call comic I published. Why this one, exactly?

Because there are many businesses open today, and that’s pretty shitty, honestly.

Thankfully, my job is not one of them, but I have had a job that has stayed open on the Fourth. When I used to sell liquor retail, we were open today. I spent two Fourths working the drive-thru, filling orders for thirsty revelers. Gas stations are also open today. I was saddened to find that my local pet supply store is open until 5 pm today. Even trash is being collected from my house today. It’s just kind of sad that, as a country, we don’t allow all of our citizens to celebrate one of the most important holidays on the calendar.

I understand that there’s a reason for this: There’s money to be made. That’s right; YOU are the reason they’re open. Not you specifically, but you, the public. If there’s a buck to be made, the store will be open. Thankfully, in recent years, there has been a sentiment of moving away from this type of rampant commercialism. Part of that is a direct result of online retailers, like Amazon, rising up and taking over the world, but that’s not the whole story. Unfortunately, family always comes second in retail and service industry work (and any company that says to you otherwise is lying to you), and there are many businesses who remain open today.

I’m not saying to avoid patronizing them. Hell, you may need more ground beef or beer or firecrackers or beer or sausages or beer, and need to go to one of these stores. If you need to or choose to, that’s your choice, and that’s fine. Just promise me one thing: Don’t say anything along the lines of: “It sucks that you’re open today.”

Seriously, don’t.

It’s a harmless enough thing that seemingly presents sympathy and concern. However, to a person who is ringing up your purchases, hearing I’m sorry that you’re open from the person who is a directly contributing factor to them being stuck there ringing up your purchases on a national holiday is like a slap in the face. We know you really don’t feel bad for us, because you’re in here buying from us. On the contrary, you’re glad we’re open on a national holiday to cover up for your poor planning skills. All of your words ring hollow in the ears of someone forced to work while everyone else is off and relaxing and celebrating. It’s salt in a wound. While it might soothe your conscience a little, it does the exact opposite to them. I  know this has become a more selfish world, and that needs to change, but have a little consideration for your service industry workers today.

People have been asking me this week what my plans are for today. I told them, “as little as humanly possible.” Because I’m afforded that incredible luxury. But just keep in mind as you’re avoiding blowing off your fingers with Black Cats or burning off your eyebrows over a grill, that not everyone is that lucky. So, please, don’t remind them that they’re stuck there for the day. It’s just mean.

Anyway, have a happy 4th of July to my fellow Americans at home and abroad. Don’t drown or blow yourself up.

-The Retail Explorer

P.S. Don’t anyone start with the tired, old “Well, they chose this profession, so…” That’s just as harmful and callous. More often than not, it’s not a matter of choosing, but more a matter of being stuck with it. This is a thing for a much longer post for a much different day. Thank you. Hugs and kisses.

Shopper Profiles: Minivan Moron

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Minivan Moron (Sketch)

*shudder*

Round three of Shopper Profiles, and this one’s a doozy. There he is: The absolute bane of my existence. I thought when I changed jobs that I was rid of him. What a fool I was.

Minivan Moron first visited me four years ago, and every time he entered the store, it was always interesting. That’s the nicest term I can apply to our interactions. He doesn’t listen, has difficulty thinking things through, and is generally lazy whenever he shops with me. If there’s a time I haven’t had to explain everything to him three times, I can’t remember it. And it’s not ever anything difficult to grasp, either; he just refuses to listen.

You may chalk this up to a language barrier issue, but that’s a cop out. He’s training here, which means that his books are all in English, his instruction is all in English, and his exams are all administered in English. If language is an issue, he’s never going to pass his check ride here with the FAA. Being from the Congo, he is bilingual in both English and French. To make things easier, I avoid big words around him. Still, the issues persist. It is not a language barrier issue.

The number of instances are too great to count, but there are a few that still stick out in my mind. I recall a three day stretch where he could not figure out how to reduce in size a checklist he had purchased from me, despite me telling him each day that he would have to trim it down with a pair of scissors. On day three, he brought me a pair of scissors and asked me to do it. This is a grown adult with a pilot’s license. (I refused to do it because 1. the whole situation is ridiculous and 2. I’m not going to alter merchandise for a customer.)

Most recently, he came in looking for a pilot uniform shirt. The 18’s were too tight around his thick neck, but the 18.5’s were too baggy on his ample frame. So, logically, we suggested a tapered 18.5. Best of both worlds, right? Not according to him. He wanted that extra half an inch of material so his shirt definitely couldn’t come untucked when he reached up to grab something. An extra half inch. That’s. It. If I’m going to have to choose between looking like a fat guy who’s too cheap/lazy to get a shirt that actually fit me and my shirt maybe coming untucked every now and then to the point I might have to tuck it back in, I’m going to go with the latter. You look better and more professional, and in an arena that really values appearances, that goes a long way.

But what do I know? I only sell the stuff. And work around flight instructors. And airline pilots. You can lead a customer to water, but you can’t convince them that it’s the drink they asked you about when they came in, even though it clearly was, but they ignore you and go search for another oasis elsewhere because you couldn’t possibly know more than them. Yet, I digress…

He once came in with a friend who, sensing the exhaustion and frustration in the tone of my voice, urged me to speak slowly with them, since English wasn’t their first language. As I said before, I purposefully avoided large words (which I do with most customers because I make assumptions regarding customer intelligence), and they must be able to function in U.S. airspace in English, I disregarded that, because it’s a cop-out. No, I will not speak more slowly with you, because I’m already not speaking quickly, and you are able to converse just fine.

Here’s a good example of the importance of conversing in English as a pilot. We have a foreign student who has been working with us since November on a private pilot certificate, and prior to joining us, he had been working for a few months at another school. That’s about two-to-three times as long already as it should take to attain a PPL (Private Pilot License). The reason: confidence issues, particularly in communication. This kid wants to be an airline pilot, and while that’s not an impossible goal, this is a mountain he must conquer. Obviously, it’s of incredibly crucial importance to be able to communicate clearly with ATC (Air Traffic Control). If you can’t figure out how to communicate, you will not make it. End of story. Because, as I’ve stated previously, I hold professional student pilots up to a higher standard.

So, since this is Minivan Moron’s goal, I hold him to that same standard. Why shouldn’t I? What makes him even more frustrating is that he is the embodiment of everything service industry employees despise about customers: the laziness, the arrogance, the aloofness, the stupidity, the stubbornness, the parsimony. As a person, perhaps, he is nice; as a shopper, he is awful.

He came in yesterday to purchase a tie. We have zippered ties and four-in-hand/regular ties; he asked for clip-on. I told him those would be special order only. Then when he looked at the zipper ties, we only had black; he wanted navy blue.

“Is blue the same price?”
Yes.
“You only have black?”
Yes, we’re out of the blue. We’d have to order them.
“Okay. How much is it?”
It’ll be the same price. $19.95 plus tax.
“But you’re out of them?”
Yes. We would have to order them.
“Same price?”

Round and round we go. It’s a merry-go-round of misery with him. And this is a perfect example of how it goes every single time with him. He has a friend who usually shops with him who is just as bad, so it’s double trouble quite often with him. (More on that guy another time.)

Honestly, I could write volumes on Minivan Moron, and I’m sure I’ll revisit him in the future. But for now, I will leave you with this brief window into the madness and the overwhelming joy that you do not have to deal with his bullshit.

-The Retail Explorer

Assumptions

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The Longest Checkout 5.4Originally, I planned to title this post “Prejudice” and joke about how I’m prejudiced against customers, but I decided that was in bad taste to go to such a place for a joke (and an admittedly bad one, at that), so I’ll just get to the real root of this post’s sentiment right off the bat. I know I’m a condescending ass, but I like to think I’m a bit more considerate than that. Anyway…

I don’t care who you are, what you look like, whenever you first walk into my store, I will always assume you’re an idiot. I’m sorry if that comes off as a shitty attitude (which, I’ll admit it, it is), but this is a self-preservation mechanism that most shopkeepers develop over time. Far too often, we assume that any given customer is an intelligent being capable of navigating this world with ability and ease, only to be stricken completely wrong. For years, I was shocked when that happened, and sometimes, I still am.

So, why do we just go to this base assumption of a lack of intellect? I mean, this person drove here, so they have enough skill to pass a driving test. (Yes, yes, I know that our driving requirements are not that strict here, but it’s operating a complex machine while multitasking, so I think that’s worth noting.) Going beyond that, they were able to figure out our location, and they were able to get food for themselves, and they were able to dress themselves. That’s a quality skill set right there (even if it is setting the bar low, but then again, this is dear customer we’re talking about here). The bottom line is: they’re capable.

If you’ve read anything on this blog about my time working retail, you know I’m harder on my customers than most. This isn’t a store that sells general goods, like groceries or DVDs; this is a store that caters to people who do something where rigorous standards required and applied to them on a daily basis, and I can’t emphasize this enough: They. Want. To. Fly. You. Around. In. Airplanes. That’s why they get extra scrutiny. They want to be airline pilots, which is why I get concerned when they can’t even figure out which chart is for the Albuquerque area, despite the facts that they are 1. labeled as such and 2. come at the start of the frigging alphabet.

I really don’t think I’m wrong in being concerned with that. A private pilot’s license will cost you around $11,000.00 and will take you around three to four months to achieve, and that’s just so you can putter around in a little Cessna. To fly the big jets, you’re talking years of training, thousands of flight hours, and well over $50,000.00. That’s an enormous commitment. It requires incredible diligence and fortitude to get up to that upper rung of the aviation world. So, you cloud imagine my shock when I hear them be confused by which oral exam guide is the correct one for their particular flight test, despite the fact that those are extremely well labelled and straightforward.

More troubling still is the large percentage of shoppers who cannot for the life of them read price tags or basic signage. From hours of operation to sale signs, so much of it goes unread or outright ignored, despite the their being read as their exclusive reason for existence. My absolute favorite (or is that “most loathed”) moment is when a shopper yanks on the locked door of a shop with a sign that reads “CLOSED”.

I still remember one morning pulling up to the shop about ten minutes before opening. Seeing as it didn’t take but a few minutes to run through my opening procedures (and the fact that I wouldn’t get paid for anything more than that), I never showed up earlier. On that morning, I watched a customer walk up to the door, yank on it, then stand there dumbfounded. As I walked up, he approached me and said, “There you are! I have been waiting for you for a while! I was wanting to buy something but I didn’t know when you opened!” I politely informed him that we did not open until ten. “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!” I then pointed out that we had a sign on the door outlining our hours of operation. “Oh.”

Honestly, I find that to be a bit amusing, but the great bane of my existence will forever remain: “How much is this?” Did you even look? I get it that sometimes, products get mispriced or missed altogether, but when they’re on there, they’re on there.

I’ve touched on the reasons behind this before. Often it just boils down to laziness. Whatever it is, I’m not getting into it here. The main problem is that it happens often enough to the point that I just gave up. It was far easier to assume they could do nothing and knew nothing. If they want to be treated like children, I was going to do it. Part of me still refuses to hand-hold fully capable adults like they’re toddlers through an area designed to make their experience as simple as possible. However, assuming I will have to do that with everyone who walks into the shop lessens the impact when that assumption becomes the reality. Then there’s the added pleasant surprise when it turns out that they actually are capable adults.

There’s no problem with asking for help. Sometimes, things are laid out differently from what you would expect to be the logical footprint. Sometimes, stores are so massive that it’s difficult to figure out where something should be found. That’s okay. That’s not what I’m talking about here. What I’m talking about is the shopper who enters a shop, takes a look around, spiritually throws up their hands, and gives up all hope of doing anything on their own. If you’re unable to flip a product over and look for a price tag, if you’re unable to figure out when we close, if you’re unable to read a package, I am perfectly happy treating you like the lost, helpless toddler you’ve shown yourself to be.

Shopping is not difficult. It can be challenging, yes, but not difficult. There are people whose entire job it is to study the interactions of customers with their stores and how they can improve their layouts and policies to better help customer shopping experiences. Customer service and sales reps are there to make it easier, as well. But as I’ve said before, I assume that they will be able to do nothing. I assume that you will be difficult, that you will be lazy, that you will be useless, because I’d much rather not waste my time and cut to the chase or be pleasantly surprised. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or anything, but that’s how I’ve been twisted by years of dealing with the laziness of a customer base that really shouldn’t be lazy or aloof. I’ve been warped. I’ve been jaded. I’ve been broken. Now, I just assume it’s going to be a rough time from the moment you leave your car. It’s just easier that way.

-The Retail Explorer