Tag Archives: Shoppers

TBT: “Why is the Vodka Clear?”

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TBT Clear Vodka.jpg

Ah, the stupid things you overhear in a liquor store…

As I’ve discussed before, my first foray into the retail world was selling liquor back in college. My store was the biggest in the Texas panhandle, and at one point, the third largest distributor of Miller products. So, pretty much, we had everything anyone could ever want, and could get anything else, within reason. (And thank the maker this was before the craft beer boom. I’d have never caught up.)

The layout of the store was fairly simple. It was divided in half, with wine on the left side and beer and liquor on the right. Each section was highlighted by a large, neon-colored sign to denote which kind of booze was which. Without fail, we would daily get questions as to where to find certain kinds of alcohol. (I talked about that in a previous TBT post.)

Alcohol is, apparently, this mystical kind of thing, difficult to understand and magical in its makeup and properties. I’ve reached that conclusion because so often did customers come in with such wild misconceptions. The above sketch was one such instance that really has stuck with me all of these years. I did this sketch about four years ago, back before doing a full webcomic was even a thought. A young woman, college-aged, came in and silently stared at the vodka wall with one of her friends before finally opening her mouth to say, “Why is the vodka clear?”

I do not remember anything else that happened after that as I was so thrown for a loop that I could barely function.

One of vodka’s properties is its clarity. Pure alcohol is as clear as spring water. The only ways it can achieve any kind of color is through an aging process, mixing with other liquids, or artificial coloring. That’s pretty much how it works.

So, vodka, by nature of being a relatively flavorless liquor is almost always clear. I haven’t a clue where the hell this girl got that idea that it wasn’t clear. Maybe it was from one too many cosmopolitans or vodka cranberries, or maybe she had just never handled a bottle herself, having only drunk cocktails made for her by friends and bartenders. That’s all I can figure. But as we say in Texas, “Bless her heart.”

The Explorer’s Recommendation:

If you’re stuck for a good vodka, I’d highly suggest trying Reyka.

Reyka is small batch vodka made in Iceland. It’s made from arctic spring water that flows, and is filtered naturally, through a volcanic field and distilled in a copper Carter-Head still. It’s smooth and delightfully tasty, for a liquor that really doesn’t ever have much flavor anyway. The best part is it’s cheap, yet classy.

(This is not a paid advertisement, as I’m not important enough to get to be paid for sponsored content. That having been said, Reyka, if you’d like to toss a bottle or two my way, I would not be opposed.)

“But, TRE, you’re from Texas. Why aren’t you pushing Tito’s?”

Excellent question. The answer is I just prefer Reyka. Don’t get me wrong: Tito’s is a great vodka, and you will have absolutely no problem finding and enjoying it, especially since it’s another quality, low-cost alternative to Grey Goose or any other top shelf vodka. Plus, it’s a Texan product, so it should receive special mention here. You want a damn good Bloody Mary without all the mixing effort? Tito’s and Zing Zang. Done and done.

So, there’s two suggestions for you, comrades. Enjoy!

-The Retail Explorer

Shopper Profiles: Hasty McTweed

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If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m so creative when it comes to naming my regulars. So creative. Minivan Moron (drives a minivan and is a moron), Big Boss (always calls me “Big Boss”), Broseph McMoron (always calls me “bro” and is a moron). Yeah, super creative.

Anyway, meet Hasty McTweed.

Hasty McTweed

He rushes me, and he always wears a tweed sport coat. Really thought outside the box on this one.

Hasty has been around the shop for almost two years. I remember when he first came in. Short, grinning, curly-headed, he was pleasant enough at first, but he quickly cemented himself on the wrong side of the ledger.

There are many things that a Shopper can do to irk a retail associate, such as making us repeat ourselves, asking our advice and ignoring it, trying to pay for a small total of items with a $100 bill. You get the idea. These are relatively small things, but what makes them irritating is that they are common sense/courtesy lapses. If you’re at a small business, don’t use a $100 bill for a $5 purchase; it wrecks our cash reserves. If you don’t really care which product we think is the best for your money, don’t ask us. If you ask us a question, listen to our answer; it’s discourteous to make us repeat our answer to your question because you suddenly had an A.D.D. flareup.

Hasty’s sin was rushing me. He would place two or three items on the counter, and then immediately, before I even had a chance to pick up my scanner, he would ask for his total. Chill. Out. Seriously, just wait a few seconds for me to do my actual job before hassling me.

This was not an isolated incident, either. This happened every single time. It still happens to this day. The only difference is about six or eight months ago, he traded in his blazer for a hoodie. And it wasn’t as though he was even in that big of a rush really. I don’t know why he does it, but my goodness is it ever annoying. I’m not going to leave you hanging without telling you the total. I’m not going do anything mean to you. I might slow down a little bit, though (and I absolutely do).

This is right up there with the flight students who when buying a single item always question if I gave them their 10% discount. Simple math there, kiddo. If your total is less than the item’s price, yeah, I gave you your discount. Equally as annoying are the flight students who come in wearing a flight school polo and/or hat and tell me they’re a flight student. I know you are. You’re the only ones who wear that.

Yes, my list of grievances is long, but really, it’s not difficult to stay away from that list. We are all guilty of some infraction on that list from time to time. Hell, I have my own oopsies from time to time, but I’ll admit it when they happen and move on from there. My customers don’t, and that’s why they live forever in infamy in my mind and in comic form.

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Remember to explain things slowly to a Shopper. It gives you a higher percentage chance of any minuscule amount of comprehension.

By the way, that actually happened.

-The Retail Explorer

Do You. Understand the Words. That Are Coming Out of My Mouth?

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Ah, Chris Tucker, you were a king in the 90s.

Anyway, I thought after the last post that I should elaborate more on how language is no barrier at all in how we conduct business here. I will get the one exception out of the way immediately, though: I do have foreigners who do not speak English well, if at all, come into the shop from time to time. Often, they’ll come in with a friend or family member to help out, but it’s still difficult.

The language barrier has led to many problems throughout history; retail is no exception. Once we get beyond that, though, we’re all just people, and many of the foreigners I deal with who have issues with English are very pleasant and courteous.

Then there are the flight students…

The flight students are the bane of my existence, the source of the majority of my problems. Most of them (I’d say around 90%) are foreign students who train here and then return to fly in their home countries. Admittance to this flight school seems to be a little as answering “yes” to the question, “Can you pay the tuition?” I wish I were exaggerating. If they had to pass a test to get into the school or meet any other requirements, they might not be as completely useless in my store as they are.

The other week, I had a visit from one of my more despised regulars. If you’ve been following my twitter for any length of time, you’ve seen him mentioned. He is a chore. Every time he comes in, I can expect to have to repeat myself on every explanation at least twice, usually more. I have come to refer to him by the name “Big Boss” because he always calls me that. I don’t know why, but he does every time. If you’ve ever worked in the service industry, then you know how much we love pet names from our customers. (If you haven’t worked in the service industry, we don’t like pet names. Not at all.)

When he came in on this particular time, he could sense my frustration with him not listening to me. So, he said to me, “You have to be patient with me. English is not my first language.”

Okay…

Here is why this is just an excuse to cover for his own laziness. These flight students, despite coming from other countries, speak English decently to excellently. They can read it well. They can comprehend it well. So well, in fact, that they can receive instruction in English, read highly technical textbooks in English, and take FAA-administered type rating examinations in English. If you can do that, ESL is not a hindrance; it becomes a scapegoat.

He asks me questions constantly, and I provide as simple of an answer as I can. He just doesn’t listen. For example, one time, he brought up a package of sheet protectors that are made to fit a kneeboard. (A kneeboard is essentially a trapper-keeper for pilots. It’s a small binder strapped to the pilot’s leg that keeps important information available at a moment’s notice. Usually, they come in four- and seven-ring configurations.) The packaging makes it clear what the product is and how it is used.

“So, are these the sleeves for the kneeboard?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“And you can put pages in it?”

“Yes.”

“And how do I put it into the kneeboard?” asks the man who uses a kneeboard every day he’s in an airplane.

“If your kneeboard has them, you put rings in holes in the spines and then those rings go through the holes in the sleeves.” At this point, I can’t believe I’m having to explain to a grown man how binders work.

“Oh, I see, I see. And you can put any pages in there?”

“Anything that will fit in them, yeah.”

“Will it fit approach plates?”

Considering that they’re made for them, yeah. “Yes.”

“Okay, okay, I see, I see.”

This is how all of our conversations go. I spend way too much time explaining simple products that not only explain themselves on the packaging, but are also used by him and his fellow student pilots every single day.

This is not a language barrier; this is laziness. This is him looking around his world and seeing very little. He wanders in the dark waiting for someone to shine the flashlight around for him. I have a great deal of patience and understanding for someone who legitimately struggles with language, but if you use that as an excuse, as a crutch, for your indolence. This is a dangerous excuse for anyone, let alone a student pilot.

To add more fuel to this fire is the fact that his best friend at the flight school is another notorious regular at my shop: Minivan Moron, named so because he drives a minivan and is a moron. Minivan Moron once came to my shop three days in a row because he, apparently, couldn’t figure out how to work scissors to trim down a checklist that was just about a quarter inch too wide for the kneeboard sleeves he had. Three. Days. In. A. Row. That is the company Big Boss keeps. These are men in their late thirties or early forties. It blows me away constantly.

It all boils down to the perception that the majority of my customers, who are grown adults, come into my store expecting to be taken by the hand and led through this tiny store, which I personally set up with ease of navigation in mind, and they will use anything to excuse their laziness. Most of them can’t even find a chart in an alphabetized grouping. Hell, most of them don’t even know what area they’re flying in. I don’t care if you are a foreigner. When I travel, I know where the hell I am in the world. It’s just good to know.

They constantly amaze me. That is why I study them.

-The Retail Explorer